dangerous driving

And it’s like driving. You learned from watching, observing. Dangerous driving is just that, dangerous. But if it’s normal where you come from how do you learn safe driving habits? How do you become a safe driver? Dangerous driving doesn’t take anyone else into consideration. It’s all about the driver, the only one on the road. Take no notice of the others, you know they are there but if they need anything you are not the driver to provide that for them. Other drivers exist and use roads but they need to get out of your way if you are coming, or they may get cut up or worse, run over. Say you were a dangerous driver, not really through any fault of yours, like I said, your instructors were dangerous drivers too. Say you were young and caused an accident that not only hurt other people but hurt those you loved more than anyone else in the world the most. How would it be when you got older and those you loved were still living that hurt. And the instructors couldn’t see that they had played any part in what went wrong, how you turned out to be a dangerous driver. And in some ways you continued to pile on that hurt, continued to drive dangerously. When you got old and realised that some people learned to drive safely from the word go, that their instructors were considerate of other users, and therefore they were considerate too. How would you feel? How would it be when you realised that in order to be happy you would have needed to have been a safe driver from the off? Dangerous driving always results in some form of hurt. But you didn’t get any safety tips or instructions. How could you have known there was another way, one where you could give way, or let someone out of a turning and it would be fine? The sad truth is that if you start off as a dangerous driver the damage is done, you can try to repair it but it makes everything harder, everything is more complicated. You can never imagine what it is like to have learned dangerous driving first if you learned to be safe. Hopefully you can take responsibility for the crash and move forward, learning to be a safer driver in the process. This, unfortunately, will take the rest of your life, and affect your family forever.

I bumped into one of my old students yesterday, she was always someone I admired amd liked. She worked so hard and was told by someone that she would not achieve her degree. She achieved it and is running a successful young peoples counselling service. How lovely to see her and share in her wonderful success. She said that I helped her so much. I believed she could do it, and I encouraged her thus, and also gave her support and help where she needed it along the way. She is the third old student I have had say that to me, that I helped them so much and if it wasn't for me they may have given up. I have the gift of encouragement, I am so lucky to have it for it brings lovely rewards. I miss working with students, not teaching them, but the support and encouragement side of that role.

Hell on Earth

Do you know how hard it is for me to be? Do you know or can you see see see Sometimes its hard to even breathe each day I'm sticking here but I want to run away The choices I've made havent always been good I always hurt far more than I should I'm sorry for all the hurt I have caused you I really wish there was something I could do Ive aged a lot since they took you away Every time youre here I just want you to stay Life is hard and life can be crap All i can think of is i want you back I wish you knew how hard it is for me just to be I wonder if you know or if you can see I dream that is is different and you are here I wish it hadnt happened I hate this time of year My life hasnt turned out like my plan But this is me and its how I am I would do anything to turn back time So that you would always be mine Ive learned to live with the tradegy The stupid mistakes that keep a hold on me I wish that i could forgive myself But its my fault i can blame no one else Do you know how hard it is for me to be Do you know or can you see see see Sometimes its hard to even breathe each day I'm sticking here but I want to run away

twist the knife

I understand that I hurt you. A lot. I have said sorry, possibly a million times, I know it is not enough and can never be enough but do you have any idea how much this is hurting me.  I know I created what I wanted to create, and I know I have messed it up, truly, I know. But not being my friend is hurting me so much. I get snippets of how it used to be from you, then you snatch it away again. I dont suppose you are doing it on purpose, but bloody hell it hurts. I can never be happy while you are still mad with me. I am sorry I moved house, that I sold your home, that I thought it would all be ok, that I thought you would still come here and stay like you did in the old house, that I couldn't sustain living in that house without working full time, that I put myself before you, that I messed  your family up, that all the stuff from the past came up for you with my moving, that I am a rubbish mother.  I am so sorry. I love you.

emotional eating or why I can't stick to a diet

I have come to the conclusion in my life that there are two types of eaters. Those who eat when they are stressed or emotional and those who don't. I am the latter. As a child I was never taught to deal with my emotions in healthy ways. Any feelings, woe betide they be negative ones, were ignored. I had to supress virtually every feeling I had. I realise my parents (whilst I do not want to be negative about them especially as I know they did their best and always what they thought was right) don't do emotions. I have never seen them cry or show any emotion about anything, except anger that was usually directed at me on rareish occasions when I guess I was very infuriating. This summer I realised why I hate being ignored.  Someone was not speaking to me and I remembered  my mum said once that she faced me to the wall when I was strapped in my highchair because 'it was the only thing that worked'. I can only assume I was either crying or doing something else that was deemed to be undesirable and she felt she had to get the better of me and 'win' and in doing so had to find a way to demonstrate and use her power over me. No wonder I hate being ignored now. Another trick was to take a wooden spoon out with us to threaten me with if my behaviour was not of the desirable nature. This happened a lot as far as I could remember. I also remember being like a mini robot, doing what I was told, I think maybe I gave up the will to have a mind of my own somewhere in between being ignored and being smacked. I remember being confused and I remember feeling like I did not fit in. I remember wondering if anyone loved me and I remember withholding bowel movements (which went on for years) which was discussed with disdain, often in front of me (horror of all horrors). It is so obvious to me now that my bodily functions were the only thing I had any control over and how it became a battle. Poor little me with the big (sometimes very big) problem. When I was six I refused to wear sleeveless dresses, I remember the shock I caused because I dared to state an oppinion. I have freqnently been told I have given my children too much choice. Why can't they have choices, and learn to make these in childhood. At least I can provide a safe space for them in which they are able to make the wrong choices and learn from them.  Hopefully they won't decide to marry the first person who comes along just to get away from me. I still feel criticised and judged by them, and have only received one compliment from them each as far as I can remember. Anyway, that's just the start of the crap. Maybe if this was all I had to deal with then things would be easier for me, I have always eaten to push down the feelings that become overwhelming to me. I grew up with the story being told about me that I could never get enough food, when one bottle was gone I would scream for the next one (aparantly) and I would always be made to finish every morsel on my plate, even if I had not asked for it or didn't want it. Worse, I could not have any sweets, which were very controlled, unless I ate everything I had been given first, and even worse, if I was naughty the first punishment was the removal of these daily sweet rations. wow, is it any wonder I have struggled with food for my whole life. As feelings were never talked about or dealt with I think I must have eaten to forget what was happening. I would never go in my parents cupboards or fridge and help myself to anything, even a drink without asking first, never have. If then, I grew up with negative image of myself and food, plus food being used as a reward, is it any wonder that food for me is far  more than fuel for my body or something to enjoy. The more stress I have in my life the worse I am. I have had some big losses in my life and coping wth some stuff is a daily struggle.

*in a very tiny font*

The solution happened, we moved. Good for some, great for others and crap for me. However I am trying to keep it all together, what I thought would happen did not happen and I ended up making my amazing son really angry with me for leaving. Hindsight revelations 1. Jus tbecause I dont put any value on homes being buildings and not the people that live in them it does not mean that other people do not. 2. Should have waited. 3. I created what I wanted for my children and did not know that I had created it. A home they wanted to be in. because I did not understand this I screwed it up, good and proper. I am trying, through the upset, to repair what I have broken. Not easy when you have no power and no money. I have realised however where my hatred of being ignored comes from, something in my childhood, my mum told me she used to face my highchair to the wall, I assume I had done something she did not approve of, perhaps crying? and ignore me because I hated it and it was the only thing that *worked*. Any wonder Im such a head case? I feel like the worse mother in the world, obviously Im not, I have never faced my children to the wall and ignored them ha! but in giving them a voice and allowing them to say what and how they feel I have taken a lot of abusive stuff particularly from one of them, OUCH. On a happier note, 12 days until soldier no 1 is home from OP Herrick 16. On a sadder one, 2 months until soldier no 2 is off for Herrick 17. I am sinking a bit, would like to rant and rave here but that is not the way I wish to be. Being aware of stuff is hard, but I guess ignorance, whilst bliss for the beholder, is harder for those who are aware and on the periphery of it. Also, do ex spouses give everyone problems?

solution

We had a bit of a problem... we couldn't survive financially if we carried on like we had been. For various reasons, mainly 2 year old ones, fostering has been a bit of a non-starter. We learned lots, mainly that we can cope with just about anything as a couple, no mean learning either. Anyway I need to get a job. This will mean the end to my career as a stay at home mummy, and the end to the dream I have of the possibility of educating said two year old at home. As always, I have a solution, and it has proved so far to be the best thing we could have done. We. Have. Sold. Our. House!!!! Momentous thing to do for us, and our family, but hey, we are going to live less than 2 minutes walk from the sea! same size (ish) house, knock a massive chunk off the mortgage and no debt! wow! didnt think it was possible to do such a thing but here we are doing so. God had a massive part to play in this, it has all happened so easily, we think we have found a church, which is a massive plus. There are so many things I could say about this but don't actually have time at the moment. I hope to document the move here. I am very excited to be doing what I really think is God's will for us, and that we will be able to live within our means. There are compromises to be made (a courtyard garden ... well, postage stamp actually) and no parking which may well drive me mad, however I need to remember the bigger picture. You only stop being a rat when you leave the race. I am hoping that I can really minimise the stuff we take with us *yeah right* but I will try, I would love to be a minimilist but dont think I can actually go that far, however it will be good to have a clear out. It's exciting and scary but only an hour away from where we are now, I think Im still shocked that we can make so many big changes to our lives and still only live an hour away. Watch this space.