on being a mum

Someone I used to know cropped up fleetingly in my life again this year, and her mum has recently died. Her facebook post saying goodbye to her mum on the day of the funeral rocked my socks. Everything she said about her was true, as I remember her, brave, funny, great mum, things about the profession she chose and rose to the heights in, and how she was loved by her only daughter. WOW. Got me thinking, what do I want my children to be able to say about me when I die? How lucky am I that I have time NOW to be able to do things that they will hopefully remember, learn from, love about me or even maybe think I am a great mum when I am no longer around to do the mum things I can do now. I think I have a great relationship with them, the boys have told me so, it has been hard work but I hope I am winning.

The song 'The Best Day' by Taylor Swift is a beautiful song, written by her and inspired by some video footage she found of when she was a young child. It was written for her mum, about how much she loves and appreciates her and how she had 'the best day' with her. I love this, and the accompanying video is lovely. http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=24888 it makes me cry every time. I only hope my children know how much I love them, even when they are wrong.

A good friend of mine has a daughter who is in her early twenties. She recently wrote and performed a song about her mum and then posted it on Facebook as a surprise for her......what a role model to me my friend is as a parent, I aspire to be like you as a mum Teresa.

I am acutely aware that I can't say I had the best mum, or the best time with her, or the best dad, conditional love is not really love at all. Love them? guess so, but what would I say about them when they are gone? I have absolutely no idea! I guess I find this a bit shocking! Sure they taught me things, I was looked after, but I never felt like I fitted in, still don't actually. There is such a lot of stuff in my head about this, but what I can do is hope that I am being a role model for my daughters, someone that they can know, really know, feel free to ask anything of, feel comfortable with, want to spend a bit of time with, share things with and generally when they are older be their friend. I do know they know I love them - my sons and daughters know that, thinking about it my son who is 19 told me a few months ago thta I am an awsome mum! that was nice, I want to be an awsome mum, but not only that, I really want them to think that I am the best mum they could wish for. Now that really would be something.

PMS and other thoughts...........

I get really bad PMS. Let's go there again - I get REALLY BAD PMS. There, that's more like it. This month I am going to try not to let it affect my family. My husband, Mr Wonderful, in particular, has copped it for the last two months. I am going to be accountable to this my blog (thank goodness I have no readers lol) and try to stay calm...CALM that is, and not snap, get grouchy, be horrible or unnecessarily rude, nasty or anything else that I often due around this time of the month. I have noticed that it is coming back, like it was years ago. Since we have been married I have been on hormonal contraception for 3 and a half years and pregnant and bf for 2 years, as I am getting back to normal I am noticing how bad it can get. Mr x husband dealt with it by telling me I had an anger problem, which he blamed for EVERYTHING, yes, looking back I can see it was bad, however, not the be all and end all for all that went wrong, what I am getting at here is that I don't want to be in the same boat again, yes, I can see what is happening, but I need to do something about it. I am lovely wife for 3 weeks of the month, and Mrs Angry/mad/shouting/sneering/add own word and its probably near the truth, for the other week. Something I have realised is that this behaviour is not me, I am lovely wife, but my behaviour is not for one week at a time. I need to do something, if I can't then I need to get some medical help. My skin is also suffering, the bad acne of the previous adult life is returning. This is not good. it is disgusting and at times makes me feel dirty, nasty, ugly and worthless. I am none of theese, however having acne is a sure way to set yourself apart from others. GOsh I sound like a whinger! I will stop now, wish me luck with the temper, I need it x