Herrick 16 and 17

It's 31 minutes into December, the last month of 2011. I'm not ready for it to be 2012, although I doubt I will ever be.

on being a mum

Someone I used to know cropped up fleetingly in my life again this year, and her mum has recently died. Her facebook post saying goodbye to her mum on the day of the funeral rocked my socks. Everything she said about her was true, as I remember her, brave, funny, great mum, things about the profession she chose and rose to the heights in, and how she was loved by her only daughter. WOW. Got me thinking, what do I want my children to be able to say about me when I die? How lucky am I that I have time NOW to be able to do things that they will hopefully remember, learn from, love about me or even maybe think I am a great mum when I am no longer around to do the mum things I can do now. I think I have a great relationship with them, the boys have told me so, it has been hard work but I hope I am winning.

The song 'The Best Day' by Taylor Swift is a beautiful song, written by her and inspired by some video footage she found of when she was a young child. It was written for her mum, about how much she loves and appreciates her and how she had 'the best day' with her. I love this, and the accompanying video is lovely. http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=24888 it makes me cry every time. I only hope my children know how much I love them, even when they are wrong.

A good friend of mine has a daughter who is in her early twenties. She recently wrote and performed a song about her mum and then posted it on Facebook as a surprise for her......what a role model to me my friend is as a parent, I aspire to be like you as a mum Teresa.

I am acutely aware that I can't say I had the best mum, or the best time with her, or the best dad, conditional love is not really love at all. Love them? guess so, but what would I say about them when they are gone? I have absolutely no idea! I guess I find this a bit shocking! Sure they taught me things, I was looked after, but I never felt like I fitted in, still don't actually. There is such a lot of stuff in my head about this, but what I can do is hope that I am being a role model for my daughters, someone that they can know, really know, feel free to ask anything of, feel comfortable with, want to spend a bit of time with, share things with and generally when they are older be their friend. I do know they know I love them - my sons and daughters know that, thinking about it my son who is 19 told me a few months ago thta I am an awsome mum! that was nice, I want to be an awsome mum, but not only that, I really want them to think that I am the best mum they could wish for. Now that really would be something.

PMS and other thoughts...........

I get really bad PMS. Let's go there again - I get REALLY BAD PMS. There, that's more like it. This month I am going to try not to let it affect my family. My husband, Mr Wonderful, in particular, has copped it for the last two months. I am going to be accountable to this my blog (thank goodness I have no readers lol) and try to stay calm...CALM that is, and not snap, get grouchy, be horrible or unnecessarily rude, nasty or anything else that I often due around this time of the month. I have noticed that it is coming back, like it was years ago. Since we have been married I have been on hormonal contraception for 3 and a half years and pregnant and bf for 2 years, as I am getting back to normal I am noticing how bad it can get. Mr x husband dealt with it by telling me I had an anger problem, which he blamed for EVERYTHING, yes, looking back I can see it was bad, however, not the be all and end all for all that went wrong, what I am getting at here is that I don't want to be in the same boat again, yes, I can see what is happening, but I need to do something about it. I am lovely wife for 3 weeks of the month, and Mrs Angry/mad/shouting/sneering/add own word and its probably near the truth, for the other week. Something I have realised is that this behaviour is not me, I am lovely wife, but my behaviour is not for one week at a time. I need to do something, if I can't then I need to get some medical help. My skin is also suffering, the bad acne of the previous adult life is returning. This is not good. it is disgusting and at times makes me feel dirty, nasty, ugly and worthless. I am none of theese, however having acne is a sure way to set yourself apart from others. GOsh I sound like a whinger! I will stop now, wish me luck with the temper, I need it x

the moment.....blink and you miss it

in these past few weeks while it has just been me and the gorgeous Miss Noodle at home I have tried hard to stay in the moment...........by that I mean that I have tried not to think of the past or the future, eg, I wish I had done that, or I could have made a better job of that, or I have loads of washing to do, or what shall I cook for dinner (well, ok, maybe I have thought that one a few times) but you get the idea, I have learned how long minutes actually take to spend if you spend them wisely. I read somewhere (?) once that time is like money, easy to spend but important to make the right choices with - or something like that - and this is so true. While I have not acomplished this any where near as much as I would have liked to have I have definately been taking more time just to be with my girlie, just to watch her and notice the small nuances about her that make her unique. I have also been there when she started to talk, really talk, she said her first four word sentence the other day - where is da spoon? whilst reaching up and rooting about in our cutlery drawer! I could so easily have missed that. I have so loved being just me and her, it is a journey that I wish I could continue, but, that not being an option for me at the moment, in my usual way I found a solution to the problem of me not wanting to do my job and have to leave her with a minder, we possibly have two small boys coming to live with us tomorrow!! Fostering! our very small experience of this has taught us that we can do it, that it can be challening (to the extreem) funny, very sad, hard, difficult and downright awful, but somehow really worthwile. So, we await a decision by a judge tomorrow to see if they arrive here or not. We are ready.....ish, Miss Noodle is in for a mighty shock, I have asked her if she would like two small boys to come and stay here (not a good idea) which was met with a resounding NO, I then resorted to speaking about them occasionally, which has gone down slightly better, however, I looked after step grandaughter for the day last week and Miss N spent most of it telling R that they are her toys and pushing her off the chairs! Think I may be in for a bit of a hard time! As I go off now to sleep in our big shared bed, I thank the Lord that she is my baby and I have the opportunity to give her round the clock care, that he gave me an inventive brain that is so good at problem solving and wonder what tomorrow has in store for our little (and the not so little elements of) family.

new beginnings

well, new year, new blog...........my word for the year is............GROW

I want to GROW my my relationship with and faith in God
I want to GROW as a wife
I want to GROW as a mother
I want to GROW my friendships with other women
I want to GROW some savings
I want to GROW in service to others
I want to GROW how much I can give
and
I want to GROW in my journey to know myself
Oh yes, and I also want to GROW lots of vegetables!

While I never have resolutions, the above are statements pertaining to how I would like to live out 2011.

Some blogs are crafty, some are just neat, some are inspiring, some are funny, some are sad, but the best ones are those that are a) updated regularly and b) teach me something
so I will aim for both of these here. Note - I said teach ME something, you don't have to make any sense of it at all, it's for me.

ANyway, the mustard seed is in reference to my first intentional growth statement of the year, which is so important but I always seem to find something better, more distracting, easier, more pressing etc etc to do, I know this goes for many people too.
It's not rocket science but in order to acomplish this aim I at least have got to read my bible. hmmmmm, ok then.

My other aim for the year is ELMM! Eat Less - Move More! simples! the result is that I will be thinner!